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I hope you'll see the heart in me - Some Kind Of Bliss
December 18th, 2014
04:37 am

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I hope you'll see the heart in me

I am good at a lot of things, but one thing I am NOT good at is being "chill" and "going with the flow" when it comes to my emotions. I can be very cool, calm, collected, and calculating when need be, but at the end of the day I am always ruled by my heart. I can't help it. I get worried, insecure, jealous, and blurt things out sometimes. I can't hide my feelings very well, I overthink, overanalyze, and overexplain myself. And apparently repeat myself (thanks lol). But that's me, that's part of the total package. Like it, love it, or leave it. And right now is one of those times then I WISH I could just turn everything off and not think, or feel so deeply. I wish I could just stay calm and see what happens. But I'm not good at those either. Anyone who knows me (or has ready any of my old entries here! yikes!) knows that sometimes I fall fast for someone, or I let someone's words trick me when they seem genuine. And I will admit that I have made my mistakes and rushed when I shouldn't. Maybe I'm just eternally optimistic tho because I always recover, and somehow I still do believe in love. Now, over time, I have certainly learned people better and have learned to not JUMP quite so fast. But as I said, I wear my heart on my sleeve and when I feel something, it's there and no getting around it. This time last year I was wasting my timer on someone who turned out to be a collossal waste of time. I really gained nothing, learned nothing, and walked away without even a friendship. So to say I was wounded and wary would be an understatement. And this has been a HUGE year of transition---I left BK, started working for myself, had to completely reshape my entire existence when it came to finances, and dealt with A LOT of drama within the magical community. Several friendships were lost along the way, including the previously mentioned waste of time. But other friendships have grown stronger, and I learned a good deal about myself and how strong I can be when it comes to standing up for what's right. I guess you could say I further embraced my own inner warrior a bit more. And in the meantime, I told myself I did not need love, at least not of the romantic kind. That I was good and better on my own, that I didn't have time or money for it, I needed to focus on me, and even tho some signs and readings tried to tell me otherwise I just stood inside my diamond shell and said NO, not right now. Granted, yes, I talked to people. Hung out with a couple. But nothing seemed worth while. Which just seemed to confirm my decision to stay alone. And then the unexpected and almost impossible happened. Someone whom I talked to almost 2 years ago suddenly contacted me out of nowhere. Someone who I had really wanted to meet in person, and who had one day vanished and I never heard from again. Until 2 weeks ago. And I was superemly cautious and suspicious. I was not gonna get lead on here. Even tho, when we talked the last time, I experienced a vision or premonition or whatever like I had never experienced before. I wasn't asleep, i wasn't a dream, and it was more than just a "feeling" or a "flash". It was like my consciousness split in half and I was watching this movie unfold. I was in this house, that was kind of in the country I think from what I could tell. There were sunflowers along the front, and lots of plants and space all around it. Possible some animals....I think I remember chickens. And I was leaving for work, I had to go meet with clients, and John, and in my mind I knew that John had his own house and lived elsewhere....not sure where, but we weren't roommates anymore. And I turned and kissed this guy goodbye, and i knew he was my guy...husband or whatever. And there were 2 kids. Our kids. The 3 of them were off to start their day taking care of whatever chores needed to be done while I went off to do my thing. And the guy was THIS guy. I have never experienced anything so vivid, and my heart felt so FULL while I witnessed this "movie" of me. And it also scared the shit out of me. I questioned if I had made it all up, if I was crazy, or if it was some sort of weird intense day dream. I tried to talk myself out of it. John and I didn't have houses and why would we live in different places. And I barely knew this guy and had never even met him. And while I KNEW it was him in this thing, he looked different than the pics I had seen thus far. And then one day he stopped talking to me. Disappeared. Total silence. And then one day I saw via FB he was in a relationship, and I was of course disappointed and mad that he couldn't have just SAID SOMETHING. And I chalked that whole vision up to wishful delusional thinking and that obviously it couldn't be anything more than that because, DUH he chose someone else. So I tried to forget about it, and him. And I did pretty good with that. In a million years I never imagined I'd talk to him again. And then suddenly, here he was. And we met for coffee and I was very nervous, and very cautious, and frankly not expecting much. I don't have the best track record as of late and he disappeared once so who knows. And then I met him...and was around him, and as soon as I let my shields down, the memory of that vision came flooding back. And it scared me. I had John do a reading for/with me, and it seemed to make sense and was really rather deep. And then I saw him again a couple days later, and was nervous still but not as much. And we hung out for hours and my house seemed to react to him being here, and my usually AFRAID cat totally loved him. LOVED him. And we ended up doing 2 readings. And the same cards came up in both. Which also repeated from the first reading with John. In all my Tarot years I have NEVER had cards repeat 3 times. I got a reading from a 3rd party who knew nothing of this, and again, repeating cards. The Star, The Lovers, and 2 of Cups in particular. Which freaked me out. And some people tried to stir stuff up and we had a rather deep conversation in which we admitted yes we like each other but don't want to rush into anything. Which I can totally live with and respect as long as it's still a possibility. Because I have literally NEVER felt such a connection like this. It's like the Universe shined a light and there he was. And even that description feels trite compared to how it FEELS. We are different enough to learn from each other, but similar enough to get along and be in the same page. And anyone who knows me also knows that I have never put stock in soulmates. It seemed totally unrealistic and crazy and incredibly impossible. I firmly believed that the idea of a soulmate was untrue. And for the first time in my life i find myself questioning that belief. I feel like my very essense lights up at the sight of him. When I open myself up to him, I am filled with so much...I can see us sitting outside together looking at stars, exploring outside together, planting a garden, doing a spell (and he isn't even a witch, just very open minded). I see that whole house and children and plants and animals and no pretense, no lies, no phony appearances. He makes me want to do things I haven't done in YEARS, like go fishing with him. And as RIGHT as he feels, and as much as I actually for the first time ever am not worried, I am still sitting here freaking out. Scared stupid that I will mess this up. That he'll stop liking me. That he'll disappear again. That he will be too afraid to move forward. That he'll meet someone else. And then I can't tell him any of this because I am afraid it will scare him away or he'll think I am insane or worse. Especially since we just talked and agreed to get to be friends and let whatever else happens just happen and that is TOTALLY NOT what I am doing inside now. And even with all this, I still have so much hope. Holy freakin shit, he could actually be the ONE.

Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: Jesse McCartney "Beautiful Soul"

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