?

Log in

Some Kind Of Bliss Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Phoenix" journal:

[<< Previous 10 entries]

November 27th, 2015
01:14 am

[Link]

I'm not going anywhere

I don't care what anyone thinks. I don't care that things are what they are as they are, and can sometimes be awkward or strange or confusing. Or what could be or may never be. None of that matters. I make my own decisions and my choice is you. Wherever that may be, doesn't matter. We just don't leave the other behind. There are many levels of Love and many different meanings of it. No matter which definition applies now or may apply later, the answer is always going to be the same: I'm staying.

(Leave a comment)

August 13th, 2015
02:24 am

[Link]

Everything
I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby,
And you've never met anyone as negative as I am sometimes
I am the wisest person you've ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
As positive as I am sometimes

You see everything you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive aggressive-ness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone
As closed down as I am sometimes

You see everything you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

What I resist persists and speaks louder than I know
What I resist you love no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest person that you've ever known
I'm the dullest person that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Current Music: Alanis Morrissette "Everything"

(Leave a comment)

May 11th, 2015
08:49 pm

[Link]

Complete

I'm sitting here in the chair, listening to you sleep on the futon next to me. Normally I'd be the one dozed off during our shows but this time you beat me to it. There isn't anything particularly special about this moment. And yet I look at you and I feel whole inside, like everything I've ever waited for is in this moment. Seeing you there, hearing you there, feeling you there. And I feel content. Peaceful. Full. Complete.

(Leave a comment)

March 21st, 2015
11:37 pm

[Link]

Ain't It Funny

Life is so incredibly funny and odd and interesting sometimes. All in good ways. Beautifully unexpectedly good ways.

(Leave a comment)

February 21st, 2015
01:09 am

[Link]

Time goes by but we stand still...

What if I told you that I believed,
That you were my soul, my destiny?
What if I was to say in every way,
Deep in my heart is where you'll be?

(Leave a comment)

February 8th, 2015
04:07 am

[Link]

♡♡♡

I love you. I don't know why or how. I don't even know what we are or will be. I don't think YOU even know that yet. We've never even kissed. And yet...I can't help it. I'm tired of pretending otherwise. I know what I feel. That's love. And I know what I want. And that's you. I can wait. I almost lost you once. I don't want that to happen again. It wasn't our time then, but maybe it is now. Or will be. For the possibility of everything great that we could be, I can wait until you're ready. Until you can figure out how you feel. I've tried to keep my feelings in check (as much as is humanly possible for me which you already know isn't much) and just chalk it up to that I really like you. But after not seeing you for 3 weeks and then I saw you tonight, and my heart felt so full it could have glowed. I look at you--your eyes, your smile, your laugh--and my soul melts. Your presence brings me a feeling of wholeness and peace that I have never known before. I can't keep telling myself otherwise, and talking down how I feel. You bring out something in me I haven't felt in a very long time, something I tried to tell myself I didn't need. You have my heart. I don't know how long it will take, how long until you figure things out. But I'm not going anywhere. I will wait. Because I do love you, and you are worth every moment of it.

(Leave a comment)

February 6th, 2015
06:39 am

[Link]

Should be so lucky

Can't sleep again and I just had the strangest bittersweet thought and I had to write it down. There are people my age who have never known true love. Never been in love. Never been in a real relationship before. Maybe they've known the sexual lusty side but not the true side of love. My track record is hardly spotless and heaven knows I've gone thru my share of heartache. But how truly lucky that I have also known really great love. Been in love. True love. Maybe not for forever but for the times it lasted, it was real, genuine love. They weren't always the best of times and some came with really hard lessons to be learned. But the good times, the good love, was amazingly good. And how lucky am I to have experienced it?! I think I finally understand the "better to have loved and loss" cliché. I am so grateful for that, to have known that kind of love, even once. I was laying here feeling so depressed, thinking about him, hoping wishing praying and missing him. And it dawned one me, as down as I am feeling, someone somewhere out there would give anything to have what I have, to have had what I've had, and to even have such a great someone of such potential right now. I've been so focused on wanting more. And I still do. I want the forever. I want the heat. I do want it all with him still. But damn, I was forgetting to realize just how lucky I am to even have someone I like so much, someone I can dream about and fantasize over and someone who has actually made me hopeful for the possible future. And that is a gift in and of itself. My heart was so lost in yearning that it forgot just how full of love it already is. Not anymore. No, I am very much grateful for the love I have had, the feelings I do have, and the future that may be. In that respect I am very lucky indeed. ♡

(Leave a comment)

January 30th, 2015
05:34 am

[Link]

I am thinking of you in my sleepless solitude tonight...

These past 2 weeks have been really really difficult. This is the longest I have gone without seeing him since Dec 3rd. I understand why he hasn't been able to come here but it still sucks. We're still in the "friends and let's see what happens" phase. Which I hate. Hate so very much. And also makes this time and distance even more unbearable. And I probably won't see him now for another couple weeks. I miss him. I miss how it feels when I'm around him. I told him tonight that I missed seeing him. I didn't say that I miss him so badly that I can't sleep. 2 weeks without him here and I still don't sleep as good as I do when he's here. And even tho he still sleeps on the couch upstairs (the whole friends thing...and since he haven't so much as even kissed it just makes sense) I always sleep better when I know he's upstairs in the same vicinity of me. And mornings are my favorite time when we are just sitting, half asleep, talking, laughing. I love his laugh. I've called him a couple times since he hasn't been here. Especially when I start feeling my frantic worry craziness creep in. Just hearing his voice brings me back to center. I can handle this distance so much better when things aren't in this vague undefined stage. I think he knows when I start bugging out tho. I don't know how I feel about that. But it is what it is. All I know is, never in my romantic life have I ever just decided on something. Things have always just kinda started and ended. But for the first time I can say I know exactly what I want. I want him. And I will wait however long and deal with whatever distance if it means being with him in the end. He is worth it and then some. I haven't said it out loud but my heart knows....I am totally completely falling for him. He is the perfect mix of balance and drive for me. He keeps be anchored when I need it and inspires me when I need that. There's so much I want to tell him. I want to tell him how BADLY I am missing him right now. I want to tell him that I want him more than anything I have ever wanted in this world. I want to tell him I will never go away, I want to be the one to break his cycle and prove it wrong. But instead I will hold it in for now and stay patient. I will wait. Because he is worth every second. I almost lost him once. I don't ever want to lose him again.

(Leave a comment)

December 18th, 2014
04:37 am

[Link]

I hope you'll see the heart in me

I am good at a lot of things, but one thing I am NOT good at is being "chill" and "going with the flow" when it comes to my emotions. I can be very cool, calm, collected, and calculating when need be, but at the end of the day I am always ruled by my heart. I can't help it. I get worried, insecure, jealous, and blurt things out sometimes. I can't hide my feelings very well, I overthink, overanalyze, and overexplain myself. And apparently repeat myself (thanks lol). But that's me, that's part of the total package. Like it, love it, or leave it. And right now is one of those times then I WISH I could just turn everything off and not think, or feel so deeply. I wish I could just stay calm and see what happens. But I'm not good at those either. Anyone who knows me (or has ready any of my old entries here! yikes!) knows that sometimes I fall fast for someone, or I let someone's words trick me when they seem genuine. And I will admit that I have made my mistakes and rushed when I shouldn't. Maybe I'm just eternally optimistic tho because I always recover, and somehow I still do believe in love. Now, over time, I have certainly learned people better and have learned to not JUMP quite so fast. But as I said, I wear my heart on my sleeve and when I feel something, it's there and no getting around it. This time last year I was wasting my timer on someone who turned out to be a collossal waste of time. I really gained nothing, learned nothing, and walked away without even a friendship. So to say I was wounded and wary would be an understatement. And this has been a HUGE year of transition---I left BK, started working for myself, had to completely reshape my entire existence when it came to finances, and dealt with A LOT of drama within the magical community. Several friendships were lost along the way, including the previously mentioned waste of time. But other friendships have grown stronger, and I learned a good deal about myself and how strong I can be when it comes to standing up for what's right. I guess you could say I further embraced my own inner warrior a bit more. And in the meantime, I told myself I did not need love, at least not of the romantic kind. That I was good and better on my own, that I didn't have time or money for it, I needed to focus on me, and even tho some signs and readings tried to tell me otherwise I just stood inside my diamond shell and said NO, not right now. Granted, yes, I talked to people. Hung out with a couple. But nothing seemed worth while. Which just seemed to confirm my decision to stay alone. And then the unexpected and almost impossible happened. Someone whom I talked to almost 2 years ago suddenly contacted me out of nowhere. Someone who I had really wanted to meet in person, and who had one day vanished and I never heard from again. Until 2 weeks ago. And I was superemly cautious and suspicious. I was not gonna get lead on here. Even tho, when we talked the last time, I experienced a vision or premonition or whatever like I had never experienced before. I wasn't asleep, i wasn't a dream, and it was more than just a "feeling" or a "flash". It was like my consciousness split in half and I was watching this movie unfold. I was in this house, that was kind of in the country I think from what I could tell. There were sunflowers along the front, and lots of plants and space all around it. Possible some animals....I think I remember chickens. And I was leaving for work, I had to go meet with clients, and John, and in my mind I knew that John had his own house and lived elsewhere....not sure where, but we weren't roommates anymore. And I turned and kissed this guy goodbye, and i knew he was my guy...husband or whatever. And there were 2 kids. Our kids. The 3 of them were off to start their day taking care of whatever chores needed to be done while I went off to do my thing. And the guy was THIS guy. I have never experienced anything so vivid, and my heart felt so FULL while I witnessed this "movie" of me. And it also scared the shit out of me. I questioned if I had made it all up, if I was crazy, or if it was some sort of weird intense day dream. I tried to talk myself out of it. John and I didn't have houses and why would we live in different places. And I barely knew this guy and had never even met him. And while I KNEW it was him in this thing, he looked different than the pics I had seen thus far. And then one day he stopped talking to me. Disappeared. Total silence. And then one day I saw via FB he was in a relationship, and I was of course disappointed and mad that he couldn't have just SAID SOMETHING. And I chalked that whole vision up to wishful delusional thinking and that obviously it couldn't be anything more than that because, DUH he chose someone else. So I tried to forget about it, and him. And I did pretty good with that. In a million years I never imagined I'd talk to him again. And then suddenly, here he was. And we met for coffee and I was very nervous, and very cautious, and frankly not expecting much. I don't have the best track record as of late and he disappeared once so who knows. And then I met him...and was around him, and as soon as I let my shields down, the memory of that vision came flooding back. And it scared me. I had John do a reading for/with me, and it seemed to make sense and was really rather deep. And then I saw him again a couple days later, and was nervous still but not as much. And we hung out for hours and my house seemed to react to him being here, and my usually AFRAID cat totally loved him. LOVED him. And we ended up doing 2 readings. And the same cards came up in both. Which also repeated from the first reading with John. In all my Tarot years I have NEVER had cards repeat 3 times. I got a reading from a 3rd party who knew nothing of this, and again, repeating cards. The Star, The Lovers, and 2 of Cups in particular. Which freaked me out. And some people tried to stir stuff up and we had a rather deep conversation in which we admitted yes we like each other but don't want to rush into anything. Which I can totally live with and respect as long as it's still a possibility. Because I have literally NEVER felt such a connection like this. It's like the Universe shined a light and there he was. And even that description feels trite compared to how it FEELS. We are different enough to learn from each other, but similar enough to get along and be in the same page. And anyone who knows me also knows that I have never put stock in soulmates. It seemed totally unrealistic and crazy and incredibly impossible. I firmly believed that the idea of a soulmate was untrue. And for the first time in my life i find myself questioning that belief. I feel like my very essense lights up at the sight of him. When I open myself up to him, I am filled with so much...I can see us sitting outside together looking at stars, exploring outside together, planting a garden, doing a spell (and he isn't even a witch, just very open minded). I see that whole house and children and plants and animals and no pretense, no lies, no phony appearances. He makes me want to do things I haven't done in YEARS, like go fishing with him. And as RIGHT as he feels, and as much as I actually for the first time ever am not worried, I am still sitting here freaking out. Scared stupid that I will mess this up. That he'll stop liking me. That he'll disappear again. That he will be too afraid to move forward. That he'll meet someone else. And then I can't tell him any of this because I am afraid it will scare him away or he'll think I am insane or worse. Especially since we just talked and agreed to get to be friends and let whatever else happens just happen and that is TOTALLY NOT what I am doing inside now. And even with all this, I still have so much hope. Holy freakin shit, he could actually be the ONE.

Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: Jesse McCartney "Beautiful Soul"

(Leave a comment)

December 16th, 2014
03:48 am

[Link]

Love Can Save the Day
Sometimes it’s hard to be my friend, ask anyone who’s tried
And when my heart feels something deeper, it makes me wanna hide
I try to play it cool and breathe as I go crazy in my head
I don’t wanna rush, but I don’t want to feel regret
Your presence makes me smile, and everyone can see
My spirit lights when you’re around, more than you’d believe


So I take a breath and hold it in
I can’t help what I’m feelin’


*~Maybe this was meant to be or maybe I’ve just lost my mind
But you’re what I was searching for and never thought I’d find
I think I wished upon a Star, or maybe it’s a twist of Fate
But I can feel you in my heart and I want you in every way
So call me crazy, let’s take a chance, tell me now, what do you say?
Sometimes love is worth the risk, sometimes love can save the day~*


I won’t be scared if you promise me that you won’t go away
Just take my heart, keep it safe, and I’ll be yours today
I can’t promise you forever but I give my word for you I’d try
Love may fade, it’s a fact of life, but I will always stay by your side


So take a breath and make your move
There’s nothing left for us to prove

*~~~~~~~*

I can’t promise you forever but I’ll give my all to try
No matter if the stars fall I will always be right by your side

*~~~~~~~*

Current Mood: hopefulhopeful

(Leave a comment)

[<< Previous 10 entries]

Yeah AOL Hometown doesn't work anymore...but i'll keep the site here for nostalgia :) Powered by LiveJournal.com